10. He expresses anger with violence, including violence towards objects, e.g. throwing or breaking objects.
Expressing anger through violence, even if it is “just” towards objects, is a warning sign of violent tendencies and an inability to handle negative emotions in an acceptable manner. In fact, violence towards inanimate objects is just one step below violence towards living creatures.
This will sometimes take the form of symbolic destruction of property, such as smashing a photo frame, or destroying a prized possession. Destructive tendencies are not something that can be easily addressed with rational conversation. It requires a thorough examination of underlying issues and his relationship with violence – something that should be carried out by a trained counsellor, not his girlfriend.
9. He uses alcohol or drugs as an excuse for poor behaviour.
“That wasn’t me, baby. It was the pills/booze/drugs”
If you’re hearing that, it’s a load of rubbish; pure, unadulterated BS. Clichéd lines such as the above are indicative of an inability to accept responsibility for his actions. One of the most common traits amongst all abusers is a complete aversion to blaming themselves. It will always be someone else’s fault that they hurt you. Women that stay in these relationships will come to believe that it is, in fact, her fault that he is abusing her. Blaming a substance is no different.
If the abusive behaviour is truly only apparent whilst under the influence of drugs or alcohol, than he needs to make the serious decision to stop using whatever it is that is making him violent. And you need to make the serious decision to leave him if he doesn’t.
8. He becomes jealous or possessive of your attention.
Abuse is about control. It is about controlling your actions, your thoughts and your very existence. In the early stages of a relationship, before the abuse becomes physical, this can sometimes manifest in extreme jealousy and possessiveness. This will often start with intense paranoia every time you spend time with a male friend, coupled with an extensive guilt trip. Eventually it will grow to include not just friends, but any activity that takes your attention away from him.
Much of an abuser’s identity is drawn from the attention he receives from his victim. If he perceives that his victim may have other interests outside of him, it is yet another blow to a fragile ego and he will seek to remove the perceived threat.
7. He is verbally derogative or abusive.
This one sounds like common sense, yet many women will stay with verbally abusive men simply because they have come to accept this behaviour as normal. This is especially true for women who have grown up being talked down to or otherwise insulted and abused. Do not ignore this very important warning.
If he is speaking in this way to you, it demonstrates a number of things. 1) He thinks of you as “less than” himself; 2) He wants you to feel “less than” him; and 3) He has no respect for you and feels he can treat you however he wants. If this pattern is allowed to continue, there is a very strong likelihood that it will become a more dangerous form of abuse.
6. He makes threats of a violent or non-violent nature.
Obviously, threats of violence are a very strong indication that he may have a violent nature and you may be in trouble. However, non-violent threats should be treated just as seriously.
These could include threats to defame you, threats to tell friends your secrets, threats to publish private photos or videos, threats to ignore you, and really any other action that may cause you distress. Just like many of the other warning signs, this indicates a lack of respect for you and a desire to control you. Threats only serve to create fear, and through fear control behaviour. Be aware and recognise this manipulation for what it is.
5. He glorifies violence.
This very important warning sign can sometimes fly under the radar and be written off as a “guy thing.” Yes, most men like action movies. Most grew up playing cowboys and Indians, cops and robbers, goodies and baddies and other such games. We grew up shooting at each other, wrestling in the backyard, and playing physical sports. Some appreciation for physicality is definitely hardwired into us.
However, glorification of gratuitous violence is an extreme warning sign. An unhealthy attraction to or identification with violent movie characters, or an obsession with weapons (especially guns) are indications that he may have an unhealthy relationship with violence. While it is natural to leave an action-packed film with some degree of adrenaline flowing, an obsession with the violence depicted in the film lasting long after the film has ended is a warning not to be ignored.
4. He resolves arguments with bullying or intimidation.
If every argument or disagreement ends with him standing over the top of you or reducing you to tears, that is a very big warning sign for you to heed. Most abusers and women-beaters are acting upon the desire of a tremendously insecure male ego. As such, when you disagree or argue with him, his ego tells him he must dominate and intimidate you to bolster his lagging self esteem.
Unfortunately, this behaviour rarely stops at just intimidation. When intimidation no longer works, he will increase his level of force and inevitably turn to physical and sexual abuse. Remember always that domestic violence isn’t just about an expression of anger, it is about the repression and subjugation of you as a human being, making you less than him and something that he can dominate at his whim. You become a tool to feed his ego.
3. He was the victim of or witness to violence as a child.
While not all children who experience domestic violence growing up will eventually become abusers themselves, there is substantial evidence to suggest a strong link between male children who watch their father figure batter their mothers, becoming men who batter their wives. During the critical early childhood years, much of a child’s perception of right and wrong and appropriate ways of responding to stress are learned from the example set by their parents.
It isn’t just boys who pick these things up, however. The same research also shows that girls who have grown up watching their mother be the victim of domestic violence are more likely to become victims of domestic violence themselves.
2. He has a history of violence.
This is an especially important warning sign if he has been violent towards ex-partners, or if he speaks of the desire to be violent or vindictive towards ex-partners. In the field of social psychology, it is recognised that the most accurate predictor of future violence or aggression is a past history of violence or aggression.
What this history indicates is a tendency towards violence, and potentially that violence has worked for him in the past. As such, he is likely to use it again in the future for emotional validation or simply to get his own way – in this case, keeping you in the relationship to continue being his victim.
While it is possible that violent people can change, this usually does not occur without substantial counselling from a trained specialist (read: not you) and the removal or any contributing triggers; for example, eliminating drugs or alcohol. Be aware that if he has done it before, he is very likely to do it again.
1. You have an intuitive feeling that you are in danger.
The single most important warning sign you will ever receive is that which your own intuition provides for you. The biggest mistake that people in general, but especially women, make is not listening to the little voice inside that tells you that you’re in danger. Too often we try to rationalise the irrational. We tell ourselves that we’re being silly. We tell ourselves that it’s not as bad as it seems. Most of the time that voice is right.
Your intuition is a survival mechanism, perfected by thousands of years of evolution, which picks up warning signs that we sometimes miss. If you feel in the pit of your stomach that something isn’t right or that you are in grave danger, you must trust it and take steps to ensure your safety.
Conclusion
While not all of these signs will become apparent in every abusive relationship, the recognition of even just one or two can make eventual physical abuse highly predictable. Be mindful of being controlled, look for the warning signs, and above all else trust your intuition. Most importantly, if in doubt, be safe and get help.
For further information on this topic, I highly recommend Gavin DeBecker’s award winning masterpiece, The Gift of Fear.
Stay safe.
Joe Saunders is the founder and chief instructor of Progressive Defence, and a member of Senshido International. He works extensively with women and children, as well as providing general personal safety education to the general public.
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